There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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