they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
