My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
