You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
