No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
