I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize