if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
