im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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