I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
