We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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