Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
