It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
