I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
