Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
