I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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