As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
