I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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