The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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