I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Man, jail baloney is awful.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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