Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
