after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
