So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
