Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
