Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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