so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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