In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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