im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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