Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
