It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
