I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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