I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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