So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
