you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My penis needs a shock collar
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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