Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
