Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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