my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I love you.
Bad choice
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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