kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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