next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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