i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
