4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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