i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
