There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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