At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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