Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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