My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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