That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
