Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize