I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
