So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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