Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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