We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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