She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
