She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
