It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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