I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
