The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
