in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
