i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Oh god it's open bar.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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