I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
