the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
