Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
