When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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