we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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