Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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