I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
