Screwed.edu
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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