Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
