Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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