A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize