i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
