I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
