Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
