so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
