Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize