if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
This couple is walking their pig around campus
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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