Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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