put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
