i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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