I think im going to throw up on grandma
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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